We will all inevitably encounter children who are out of control.
Screaming and crying, as parents, I don’t know how to help him, I am full of powerlessness and distress, and sometimes I can’t control my temper, and I feel like I ’m falling apart and taking my frustration on others.
Suppress? Ignore? Is this really good? How should we deal with children’s emotional out-of-control?
Let’s embrace the child’s inner anxiety and frustration and deal with the emotions step by step!
First, we have to ask ourselves, “Do you understand the tears of children?“
Children’s ability to express their own emotion is not yet mature. Thus, when they need to be noticed, they will choose to cry to express themselves.
But in fact, the frustration, anxiety and frustration that are not clearly explained behind are: 「 I have emotions, I have needs, I hope you will pay attention to me.」
When the child is crying and we are helpless, two reactions are easy to occur: ignoring and suppresing.
Children may give up crying because no one is listening, or be scared when beaten and scolded by parents. But in fact, parents being neglected and suppressed are very harmful to children.
Neglecting will gradually make the child lose his sense of security.
Suppressing will make the child deny himself inferiority.
The child ’s emotional needs are not met, which will have a great impact on future development. Don’t think that “beating him will be good” or “ignoring him will be fine”, these will leave scars in the child’s inner feeling.
[Step 1] Hold back the negative criticism!
You think you are denying behaviour, the child thinks you are denying him.
When we say, “Don’t cry!” “Don’t make trouble!” “You’re throwing things again!” “Why so skinny!”
We may want to correct the child’s behaviour at the moment, but what the child receives is “Mummy doesn’t like me, Mummy is denying me …”
In the long run, it is easy to cause the child’s self-worth to be low, and even feel that he is not loved and grew into an irreparable injury.
[Step 2] Describe the situation and name the emotions.
Help children to express, reduce helplessness, and describe emotions in words, empathize with his feelings.
As we said before, part of the reason why the child is crying is that he doesn’t know how to express. Thus, at this time, we can help him (also in a demonstration) to describe the current situation and his emotions. These can reduce the child’s helplessness (because he knows that you receive what he wants to express). Also, to appease his current mood by empathizing with the child’s feelings.
“Mummy knows you are angry because you want to eat cookies now.”
“You are sad now, because you really want to continue playing, and you don’t want to go home, right?”
Sometimes, such simple sentences can calm down the child, and if you practice more, you will find that it is not so difficult!
[Step 3] Accompany your child, to find a way to release emotion
The suffocated emotion may become violent / inferiority, it is better to give the child more time to vent.
The implicit culture in the East rarely teaches us how to deal with negative emotions, and only stipulates “cannot show it”, not crying, not angry, or not weak. We have been educated from childhood to adulthood, so naturally, we will use this to teach our children. But in fact, emotions that are not expressed or released are easily “injured” in your heart, and even silently grow into violence or inferiority.
Without hurting others, giving the child a long time to be with him and letting him know that he can vent his emotions with a peace of mind. Thus, it will be a good help for him and a precious educational opportunity.
When sad, you can say this: “If you are sad, cry for a while, mum will accompany you”
When angry, you can give your child a suggestion of safe venting: “If you are angry, you can mallet this pillow and vent it.”
[Step 4] Teach your child how to express the emotion next time
Hug and take a deep breath to help the child calm and let the child know that communicating is more effective than crying.
Don’t accuse/review his behaviour when the child is out of control. The child will really listen to what you’re saying only when the child calms down.
At this time, instead of accusing or reviewing his behavior, talk to him gently and firmly:
“Just now Mommy didn’t know what you want, because you keep crying, Mommy can’t understand. You can say this next time”
By teaching the child to express correctly time by time, the child will learn slowly and clearly state his needs, which can achieve his goals more than crying.
[Step 5] Provide children with new options.
Replace negative sentences with positive narratives and give children “choices” instead of commands
If you only speak negative sentences (don’t take scissors! Do not draw on the wall!), The child will be at a lost, not knowing what to do. Thus, he may continue the original behaviour.
At this time we can change the positive narrative and add a “choice” to give the child some autonomy and space. Sometimes, children like to go against you, so compared to command sentences, giving children two choices, they will actually make a choice from the two! (Secretly, this trick really works ~)
When the child does not want to sleep, instead of directly ordering “Go to bed!“, You can try to say this: “Do you want to cover this quilt today, or do you want to sleep in a sleeping bag?“
When the child draws on the wall, instead of saying “No drawing! Draw on paper!“, You can say: “Let’s draw and look elsewhere. Do you want to draw on a picture book, or do you want a blank paper? “
The last thing to remind moms is that these changes will be difficult at first. And it ’s not a special effect medicine, it won’t succeed immediately. We need time to change slowly, and children need time to learn slowly.
At a moment when we feel frustrated, we can remind ourselves like this:
What we want is not for the child not to cry now
It’s the future, when we can’t be with him
Can he dry his tears and start again?
This last sentence is given to all children and all lovely moms: